Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
