If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
