I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
