My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Boobs speak an international language.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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