I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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