I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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