I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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