the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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