Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
