How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
