thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
