we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
