So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
