She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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