You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
