so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I die, sorry about rent.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
