mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
