I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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