I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
