He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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