When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
