R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My underwear smells like fireworks.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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