my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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