I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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