Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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