Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
