I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
