I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
