im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
