I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
