My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
