Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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