508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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