I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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