Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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