You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
