my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
