A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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