Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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