i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
