My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
