I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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