Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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