i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
