the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
