Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
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Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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