you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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