I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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