Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
