i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
