So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
