His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
