they need to just BURY HIM!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
