First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
