I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
