What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
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But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So here I am, sexting at work.
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